An old couple come across a magic lamp in their attic...

...and when they rub it, a genie appears. The genie grants them each 3 wishes.

The old woman goes first. Not wanting to appear greedy, she says to the genie: "I wish for a new dining table." The genie waves his hand, and poof! Their dining table is replaced.
The old man follows, saying: "I wish for a new car for the two of us." The genie waves his hand again, and poof! A brand-new Porsche appears on the driveway.
The old woman now says: "I wish for a new and bigger house." The genie waves his hand, and poof! They feel the floor shift as their house is changed.
The old man, not wanting to be outdone, says: "I wish for one billion dollars for each of us." The genie waves his hand, and poof! One billion dollars is added to each of their bank accounts.
The old woman now thinks hard. They are both very rich now, but they are each about sixty, and old age has not been light on them. She now says: "I wish we had our eyesight back." The genie waves his hand, and poof! Suddenly their glasses vanish, and they can see clearly.
The old man now says: "I wish I had a wife thirty years younger than me." The genie waves his hand, and poof! The man is now ninety.

Heisenberg, Ohm and Schrodinger are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A man breaks down in front of a monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

A man wants to join a Alaskan biker gang.

So a man wants to join an Alaskan biker gang and is told by the members he has to do 3 things to get in

1. Drink A fifth of jack
2. Wrestle a bear
3. Make love to an Eskimo women

The man slams the fifth and staggers to his bike and they drive off to the bear cave.
The man lets out a roar and charges into the bear cave. The bikers stand outside and can hear grunts and snarls coming from the cave.
20 or so minutes later the man then staggers out the cave, his clothes torn and covered in blood... He looks at the bikers and says
"Alright, where's this Eskimo women I have to wrestle?!"

A man wants to join a Alaskan biker gang.

So a man wants to join an Alaskan biker gang and is told by the members he has to do 3 things to get in

1. Drink A fifth of jack
2. Wrestle a bear
3. Make love to an Eskimo women

The man slams the fifth and staggers to his bike and they drive off to the bear cave.
The man lets out a roar and charges into the bear cave. The bikers stand outside and can hear grunts and snarls coming from the cave.
20 or so minutes later the man then staggers out the cave, his clothes torn and covered in blood... He looks at the bikers and says
"Alright, where's this Eskimo women I have to wrestle?!"

If Trump gets elected...

Politics

...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work

The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.
For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."
Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."

Dead Crows on the Mass Pike

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah“, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

A man breaks into a home, all the lights are off.

He gets through the window and turns on his flashlight. Out of the dark, a voice says "jesus is watching you"
The thief stops in his tracks, freaks out and turns off the flashlight.
After a few minutes he regains his nerve and starts looking around. When he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying again "jesus is watching you."
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, again he hears "jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler jesus."

Stop sign regulations.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

Walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00”
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”
 

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.
So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"
After some silence, Ted raises his hand. "The grass is definitely green", he declares.
"Now that's an excellent one!" The teacher declares. "But when it gets dry, or cold, the grass starts dying, and turns yellow or brown."
At this point, the class is stumped. While the students racked their brains, trying to get the answer to get Monday off school, Billy speaks up.
"Teacher, can I ask one question first?" Teacher says yes.
"Mrs. Teacher, do farts have lumps?"
Surprised, she answers in the negative.
"Well then," says Billy, "I definitely just shat my pants." He gets up, clutching his rear. "I'll see you Tuesday."
Edit: This hit the front. I guess I'll continue Billy's legacy, tomorrow. TLDR: MOAR JOKZ BOYZ

"Dad, I'm thinking of getting married"

Dad: Say "Sorry"

Son: For what?
Dad: Say "Sorry"
Son: But for what?
Dad: First say you're sorry.
Son: But what did I do?
Dad: Do it, say "Sorry" first.
Son: Just tell me why!
Dad: Say it.
Son: Ok, Dad! I'm sorry!
Dad: Your training is complete. You apologized without a reason. You have my blessing.

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.
She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.
At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Clinton.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.